A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a
problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a
moment. "You know", he said, "I may have a solution to your problem.
I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and
read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll
put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach
your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to
stop saying... that phrase...in no time."
"Thank you", the woman responded, "this may very well be the
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.
As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their
cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and
placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots
cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at
the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our
prayers have been answered."
Thursday, August 31, 2006
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
A man is driving down the freeway with his two pet penguins when he gets pulled over by a cop for speeding. After the cop hands over the speeding ticket to the driver, he notices the 2 penguins. The cop informs the driver that he must take the penguins to the zoo. The driver agrees to do so.
Two months later, the same man is pulled over by the same cop for speeding. The cop notices the penguins again only now they are wearing sun glasses and eating ice cream.
The cop says, "I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo."
The man responds, "I did take them to the zoo, now I'm taking them to the beach."
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
Monday, August 28, 2006
A pastor had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc. The kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and drove away so that the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten. He didall this, checking his progress in the car frequently, then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. But as he moved a little further forward... the rope broke.
The tree went "boing!" and the kitten instantly sailed through the air - out of sight. The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they'd seen a little kitten. Nobody had seen a stray kitten.
So, he prayed, "Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping," and went on about his business.
A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his church members. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food. Now this woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her, "Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?"
She replied, "You won't believe this," and told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the Mom finally told her little girl, "Well, if God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it." She told the pastor, "I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws spread out, and landed right in front of her."
Saturday, August 26, 2006
Friday, August 25, 2006
A lady had a beautiful black cat, Midnght, who spent his days outside and came indoors at night.
One crisp fall evening he disappeared.
The lady searched for him in vain.
The following spring, however, Midnight reappeared, looking healthy and clean. She figured he'd been sowing his wild oats.
Everything was back to normal, until that fall, when Midnight disappeared again.
The next spring, he returned. Perplexed the lady went door to door questioning others in the area.
Finally she rang the bell of an older couple.
"A black cat?" the old woman said, "Oh yes, My husband and I hated to see him out in the cold, so we bought a cat carrier. We take him to Florida every winter."
Thursday, August 24, 2006
Rare newborn albino Pygmy Marmoset monkeys perch on a zookeeper's fingers at Froso Zoo in Ostersund, Sweden August 22, 2006. The Pygmy Marmoset, which lives in the upper Amazon basin in South America, is the world's smallest monkey and reaches 13.7 inches in length and weighs up to 3.5 ounces at maturity.
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
A man goes into a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink.
The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog."
"Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.
Another guy walks into the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog."
The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"
The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs."
The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"
Monday, August 21, 2006
Sunday, August 20, 2006
Friday, August 18, 2006
Cat: a pygmy lion who loves mice, hates dogs, and patronizes human beings
feline blood pressure and digestion
Two toms out on the town
Used with a Catbrush
When Kitty sleeps 24 hours a day.
Changes a kitten into a cat
Boat food for the owl and the pussycat
Pussy peak overlooking Katmandu
Award for catching a mouse
Feline summer drink
Feline phone conversation
A kitty horror story
Permits cable TV for pussycats
The Big Sleep
Feline love bite
For kitty snoozes
A relish for pet food
They say "meow" instead of "moo"
When Tom has Jerry in a jam
Track and field event at Cat Olympics
Katherine's favorite feline
Capital of Nepalese cats
Capital of Catenation
Thursday, August 17, 2006
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
FAMOUS CAT LOVERS
Raymond Chandler - talked to his black Persian, Taki, as though she was human and called her his secretary because she sat on his manuscripts as he tried to revise them
Sir Winston Churchill - (1874 - 1965) Churchill's cat, Jock, shared his master's bed and table. Churchill often sent servants to find Jock and refused to start eating until his cat was present at the table
Albert Schweitzer - (1875 - 1965) Sometimes left-handed Schweitzer wrote prescriptions with his right hand, so as not to disturb his cat, Sizi, who liked to fall asleep on his left arm
Mohammed - Mohammed (570 - 632), the founder of the Muslim faith, thought dogs unclean, but liked cats. He once cut off the sleeve of his robe to avoid waking a sleeping cat as he rose to pray
Petrarch - (1304 - 1374) When the poet died, his cat was put to death and mummified
Cardinal Richelieu - (1585 - 1642) This Prince of the Church reserved one of his rooms for cats, where overseers fed them chicken pates twice a day. When he died, the overseers and cats were provided for
Ernest Hemingway shared his Key West home with more than thirty cats
Florence Nightingale owned more than sixty cats in her lifetime and often complained of mysterious "stains" on her paperwork
Cardinal Richelieu, who had dozens of cats, built a cattery at Versailles in which to house them
Mark Twain kept eleven cats at his farm in Connecticut. His daughter, Susy once remarked, "The difference between Papa and Mamma is, that Mamma loves morals and Papa loves cats."
St. Agatha (d. 251) is still known as Santo Gato (Saint Cat) in parts of the Pyrénées mountain range of southwestern France. She is said to appear in the form of a cat on her day, February5, to punish women who have angered her.
St. Francis of Assisi (1182 - 1226), according to an Italian legend, was saved from a plague of mice by a cat which sprang miraculously out of his sleeve.
St. Gregory the Great (540 - 604) possessed no worldly goods except a cat, which ie liked tostroke and hold in his arms whilehe was meditating.
St. Ives (1035 - 1115), the patron saint of lawyers, appears in portraits with a cat by his side, and is sometimes depicted as a cat.
St. Jerome (340 - 420) was famous for owning a cat and is frequently depicted in paintings accompanied by a domestic cat instead of his more traditional lion mascot.
St. Molig of Ireland, according to legend, became disturbed when his pet cat caught a sparrow which had eaten a fly; he restored both bird and insect to life.
Some other famous cat lovers include: Jeremy Bentham, Raymond Chancler, Colette, Victor Hugo, Samuel Johnson, Pope Leo XII, Montaigne, Edgar Allan Poe, Theodore Roosevelt, Sir Walter Scott, Mark Twain, Horace Walpole, Abraham Lincoln, and H.G. Wells.
FAMOUS CAT HATERS
Johannes Brahms - (1833 - 1897) One of Brahm's favourite forms of relaxatin was to sit at an open window and attempt to kill neighbourhood cats with a bow and arrow
Napoleon Bonaparte - Napoleon was once found sweating with fear and lunging wildly with his sword at the tapestry-covered walls. The source of his fear was a small kitten
Noah Webster - (1758 - 1843) Webster described the cat as a "deceitful animal and when enraged, extremely spiteful"
Dwight D. Eisenhower - (1890 - 1969) Eisenhower's loathing for cats was so great, he gave his staff orders to shoot any seen on the grounds of his home
Henry III - (1551 - 1589) Henry was like a lion when persecuting the Protestant minority in France, but the presence of a cat turned him into a chicken. He would faint if a cat came near him
Georges Louis Leclerc de Buffon - (1707 - 1788) The French naturalist praised dogs, but claimed that cats possessed "an innate malice and perverse disposition which increases as they grow up." He added that they "easily assume the habits of society, but never acquire its manners."