Wanna play?
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The only thing more fun than owning a pet is to brag about their beauty and accomplishments, show off their funny pictures, and read some of the humorous jokes and quotes written about our favorite animals.
I pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador retriever had fresh air. She was stretched out on the back seat, and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay!"
The driver of a nearby car gave me a startled look. "I don't know about you, lady," he said incredulously. "But I usually just put my car in park."
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In solidarity with the striking writers, all the adorable animals on the Internet are going on strike. From Colbert Report writers Frank Lesser and Rob Dubbin.
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| 1. A CD of cats meowing popular Christmas songs. 2. A chew toy with the head already gnawed off by his canine brother who chewed his way into the gift box around the 15th of the month. 3. A chew toy shaped like a shoe which he is immediately going to confuse with the right sneaker of your favorite pair. 4. Central A/C for his Dogloo when you're still using individual wall units that are barely up to cooling a small close-size area in your house. 5. Anything Garfield. 6. A remote control for the refrigerator door. 7. A knitted pink sweater that makes your macho doberman look like a poodle. 8. A deluxe pre-packaged treat-filled Christmas stocking that's large enough for you to use as a sleeping bag. 9. Doggie antlers when your near-sighted hunting relatives will be spending the holidays with you. 10. A stuffed toy dog with an angel's halo as a hint as to what he has to do to get more presents next year. 11. A doggie door between you and the suspicious butcher next door. 12. An audition for a diet dog food commercial where they feed him so much during retakes that he actually gains weight. 13. A piece of jewelry featuring a ceramic dog of his breed for you to wear. 14. His own i-pets.com credit card. 15. A cat. |
What is a French cat's favorite dessert?
Chocolate mousse
What is the cat's favorite magazine?
Good Mousekeeping.
What is the difference between a cat and a comma?
One means pause at the end of a clause, and the other means claws at the end of paws
What kind of cat will keep your grass short?
A Lawn Meower.
What kind of cats like to go bowling?
Alley cats.
What's happening when you hear "woof...splat...meow...splat?"
It's raining cats and dogs.
Where does a cat go when it loses its tail?
The retail store.
Why did the cat join the Red Cross ?
Because she wanted to be a first-aid kit.
Why did the judge dismiss the entire jury made up of cats?
Because each of them was guilty of purrjury.
Why don't cats play poker in the jungle?
Too many cheetahs.
Why happened when the cat swallowed a coin?
There was some money in the kitty.
Why was the cat so small?
Because it only ate condensed milk.
Happy Thanksgiving -
be thankful for all the "small pleasures" our funny pets fill our days with.
Small Pleasures
As a child she had clutched
The strays to a skinny chest
Begging to keep just this one
And was always denied.
Now shafts of sunlight
Catch random cats curled on antique quilts
Or on windowsills between the ruffles of curtains
She smiles small smiles
And sighs small sighs of contentment,
Makes another cup of tea
And ignores the cat hairs in the sugar bowl.
--Pamela Kosted
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Ducking into confession with a turkey in his arms, Brian said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I stole this turkey to feed my family. Would you take it and settle my guilt?"
"Certainly not," said the Priest. "As penance, you must return it to the one from whom you stole it."
"I tried," Brian sobbed, "but he refused. Oh, Father, what should I do?"
"If what you say is true, then it is all right for you to keep it for your family."
Thanking the Priest, Brian hurried off.
When confession was over, the Priest returned to his residence. When he walked into the kitchen, he found that someone had stolen his turkey.
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Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.
Finally, the female bird turned to her mate.
"Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."
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A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform
the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.
After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word
he made contact, "Mary. Mary."
"Is that you, Fred?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, off to the
golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice.
I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much
all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again."
"Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven."
.
.
"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Miami."
What do you use to comb a cat?
A catacomb.
What does a cat do when it gets mad?
It has a hissy fit.
What does a cat like to eat on a hot day?
A mice cream cone.
What does the lion say to his friends before they go out hunting for food?
”Let us prey.”
What happened when the cat ate a ball of yarn?
She had mittens!
What happened when the cat swallowed a coin?
There was some money in the kitty.
What happened when the cat went to the flea circus?
He stole the whole show!
What has more lives than a cat?
A frog. It croaks every night.
What is a cat's favorite car?
The Catillac.
What is a cat's favorite color?
Purrr-ple!
What is a cat's favorite song?
Three Blind Mice.
What is a cat's way of keeping law & order?
Claw Enforcement.
What goes "Tick tock, woof woof"?
A watch dog.
What happens to dogs who run behind cars?
They end up exhausted.
What happens when a dog eats onions?
His bark is worse than his bite.
What happens when a dog talks too much?
His tongue wags faster than his tail.
What happens when it rains cats and dogs?
You can step in a poodle.
What is a little dog's favorite drink?
Pupsi-cola.
What is more amazing than a talking dog?
A spelling bee.
What is the dogs favorite city?
New Yorkie!
What kind of dog chases anything red?
A bull dog.
What kind of dog do farmers like best?
A Saint Barnyard.
Most people don't realize it, but bunnies enjoy decorating for Halloween just as much as their two-footed friends.