Friday, August 31, 2007
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Joke: The consultant
A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"
The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully-grazing flock and calmly answered, "Sure."
The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his IBM Thinkpad and connected it to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 130 page report on his miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep."
"That is correct; take one of the sheep." said the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car.
Then the shepherd says, "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my animal?"
"OK, why not," answered the young man.
"Clearly, you are a consultant," said the shepherd.
"That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required," answers the shepherd.
"You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know crap about my business. Now give me back my dog."
The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully-grazing flock and calmly answered, "Sure."
The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his IBM Thinkpad and connected it to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 130 page report on his miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep."
"That is correct; take one of the sheep." said the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car.
Then the shepherd says, "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my animal?"
"OK, why not," answered the young man.
"Clearly, you are a consultant," said the shepherd.
"That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required," answers the shepherd.
"You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know crap about my business. Now give me back my dog."
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Monday, August 27, 2007
Sunday, August 26, 2007
Breed Selector
Not sure which type of dog is best for you?
The Breed Selector tool helps you find the breeds that best meet your needs and wants.
The Breed Selector tool helps you find the breeds that best meet your needs and wants.
Saturday, August 25, 2007
Friday, August 24, 2007
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Video: Monster the singing cat
Monster has a vocal cord condition that makes it sound like singing when he yawns.
Joke: Catholic Dog
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Monday, August 20, 2007
Sunday, August 19, 2007
Saturday, August 18, 2007
Friday, August 17, 2007
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Joke: Short Animal Jokes - Dogs, Part 8
Which side of a dog has the most hair?
The out side.
Which state has a lot of dogs and cats?
Petsylvania.
Which states have a lot of canines?
North and South Dogkota.
Who is the dog’s favorite comedian?
Growlcho Marx!
Who was the most famous pooch poet?
Henry Wadsworth Dogfellow.
Why are dogs such poor dancers?
They have two left feet.
Why can dogs scratch whenever they want to?
They live in a flea country.
Why couldn't the dog answer the phone?
He was all tied up.
Why did the boy name his dog Hamlet?
He was a Great Dane.
Why did the boy name his dog Toro?
He was a bull terrier.
The out side.
Which state has a lot of dogs and cats?
Petsylvania.
Which states have a lot of canines?
North and South Dogkota.
Who is the dog’s favorite comedian?
Growlcho Marx!
Who was the most famous pooch poet?
Henry Wadsworth Dogfellow.
Why are dogs such poor dancers?
They have two left feet.
Why can dogs scratch whenever they want to?
They live in a flea country.
Why couldn't the dog answer the phone?
He was all tied up.
Why did the boy name his dog Hamlet?
He was a Great Dane.
Why did the boy name his dog Toro?
He was a bull terrier.
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
Friday, August 10, 2007
Thursday, August 09, 2007
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
Joke: Short Animal Jokes - Elephants, Part 3
What's gray, carries a bunch of flowers and cheers you up when your ill?
A get wellephant.
Which is stronger an elephant or a snail?
A snail, because it carries its house, an elephant just carries its trunk.
Who is the most famous singing female elephant?
Elephants Gerald.
Who is the most famous singing male elephant?
Harry Elephante.
Why are elephants wrinkled?
Have you ever tried to iron one?
Why aren't elephants allowed on the beach?
Because they can't keep their trunks up.
Why did the elephant paint himself orange?
So he could hide in the pumpkin patch.
Why did the elephant paint his toenails red?
So he could hide in the strawberry patch.
Why did the Elephant stand on the marshmallow?
So she wouldn't fall in the hot chocolate.
Why do ducks have flat feet?
To stamp out forest fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out flaming ducks.
Why do elephants eat raw food?
Because they don't know how to cook
Why do elephants rarely travel by plane?
It's tough to get their trunks in the overhead bins.
Why is an elephant big, gray and wrinkled?
Because if he was small, white and round, he'd be an aspirin.
A get wellephant.
Which is stronger an elephant or a snail?
A snail, because it carries its house, an elephant just carries its trunk.
Who is the most famous singing female elephant?
Elephants Gerald.
Who is the most famous singing male elephant?
Harry Elephante.
Why are elephants wrinkled?
Have you ever tried to iron one?
Why aren't elephants allowed on the beach?
Because they can't keep their trunks up.
Why did the elephant paint himself orange?
So he could hide in the pumpkin patch.
Why did the elephant paint his toenails red?
So he could hide in the strawberry patch.
Why did the Elephant stand on the marshmallow?
So she wouldn't fall in the hot chocolate.
Why do ducks have flat feet?
To stamp out forest fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out flaming ducks.
Why do elephants eat raw food?
Because they don't know how to cook
Why do elephants rarely travel by plane?
It's tough to get their trunks in the overhead bins.
Why is an elephant big, gray and wrinkled?
Because if he was small, white and round, he'd be an aspirin.
Tuesday, August 07, 2007
Monday, August 06, 2007
My Pet Loves Sleep
Do you have a cute and cuddly, or "howlingly" funny picture of your cat or dog dozing off? You can enter your photo online in the National Sleep Foundation's "My Pet Loves Sleep Contest" at sleepfoundation.org The contest runs through September and a new winner is chosen each week.
Sunday, August 05, 2007
Saturday, August 04, 2007
Friday, August 03, 2007
Thursday, August 02, 2007
Wednesday, August 01, 2007
Joke: Short Animal Jokes - Dogs, Part 10
Why did the dog wear a watch?
He wanted to be a watch dog.
Why did the hungry mutt chase birds?
He wanted a doggie tweet.
Why did the little boy name his dog Computer?
Because it came with lots of bytes.
Why did the man put his dog on a locomotive?
He wanted to train him.
Why did the pooch go to sleep early?
He was dog-tired.
Why did the snowman call his dog Frost?
Because frost bites.
Why did the watchdog keep turning in circles?
He was winding himself up!
Why didn't the dog speak to his foot?
Because it's not polite to talk back to your paw!
Why do dogs turn around three times before lying down?
One good turn deserves another.
Why do firefighters need Dalmatians?
To help them find the fire hydrants.
Why does a dog scratch himself?
Because no one else knows where it itches.
Why don't blind people skydive?
It scares the dog.
Why should you walk carefully when its raining cats and dogs?
You might step in a poodle.
He wanted to be a watch dog.
Why did the hungry mutt chase birds?
He wanted a doggie tweet.
Why did the little boy name his dog Computer?
Because it came with lots of bytes.
Why did the man put his dog on a locomotive?
He wanted to train him.
Why did the pooch go to sleep early?
He was dog-tired.
Why did the snowman call his dog Frost?
Because frost bites.
Why did the watchdog keep turning in circles?
He was winding himself up!
Why didn't the dog speak to his foot?
Because it's not polite to talk back to your paw!
Why do dogs turn around three times before lying down?
One good turn deserves another.
Why do firefighters need Dalmatians?
To help them find the fire hydrants.
Why does a dog scratch himself?
Because no one else knows where it itches.
Why don't blind people skydive?
It scares the dog.
Why should you walk carefully when its raining cats and dogs?
You might step in a poodle.